Would not recommend!
If you’ve watched a Bucks game in recent seasons on whatever device/service you use or have caught a game at Fiserv Forum, you’ve very likely heard about the “Ultra Kwik 95” promotion in conjunction with Wisconsin-based gas station/convenience store chain Kwik Trip. If you’re unfamiliar, I assume you watch games without sound or skip the commercials, and honestly, props to you for that. Either way, let’s briefly run through how it works, courtesy of the email the Bucks sent me on Thursday morning after they
crushed the Mavericks the previous evening:
When the Bucks win, YOU win
Scrolling down and clicking “learn more” in that email above directs you to
this page on the Bucks’ website, if you want to read the fine print. Essentially (get ready for some numbers), it’s 30 cents off gas within 48 hours with purchase of 12–30 beers if the Bucks score 95 through 36 minutes, got it?
Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?
Other Brew Hoop compatriots and myself have mocked the specificity of this whole thing for years, also laughing at the rather insignificant benefits it grants one as a consumer. Last season, I recall tweeting out “does anyone actually do this thing after the Bucks score 95 points through three quarters or whatever?” To my complete surprise, multiple (I think it was two, that counts as multiple!) followers said that yes, they do in fact visit their local Kwik Trip for the gas discount with purchase of some light beer. Fair enough!
I’ve long been mystified at the enthusiasm Wisconsinites suddenly started having during the past decade for this convenience store that's been around for generations. Something to do with Kwik Trip’s social media presence creating brand loyalty, I guess. A few things about this new-found veneration rubbed me the wrong way—after all, it’s not like we’re talking about Culver’s here—but my biggest gripe here is that this is a company that
refuses to sell contraceptives on “moral” grounds. “Yes, have all the donuts and roller hot dogs you want, but making a healthy decision about your sexual health? No, we cannot abide that.” Cool cool, let’s all extoll the virtues of a freaking gas station!
So I tend not to patronize their establishments. And based on the good-natured backlash I’ve encountered when being critical of Kwik Trip on social media, I’ve found a hill I’m willing to die on! But I set all that aside the other night. In the spirit of previous adventures by Brew Hoop staff with other
healthy foodstuffs (a huge shout out to you, Adam and Gabe), I decided to get in on the action. Also, is this 95 calorie “beer” (with only 2.6 grams of carbs!) a healthier choice than my forebearers’ experiments with baked goods and frozen dairy products? Even as an alcoholic beverage that kills my brain cells? I can’t say for sure.
Before I go on, let’s try out this “beer” that’s been sitting in my fridge since I got home late last night.
Oh boy. My first impressions are about as bad as you can get. It’s utterly flavorless. The second sip isn’t eliciting any more notes of barley, or really anything. Maybe it’s just too cold? It says “superior light beer” on the can, but I could not disagree more. I’ve tasted FAR more from a can of Miller Lite, which has just 0.6g more carbs. Great taste, less filling indeed! This Anheuser-Busch offering is not delivering, and I sure don’t feel like I’m in the front row like I do with a light beer from Miller. RIP Ueck.
The third gulp is starting to taste vaguely like beer, but I stand by my preference of any other light beer out there. When chatting about the Ultra Kwik 95 with in-game promo enthusiast Morgan Ross the other day, I asked him if he was a beer drinker. He said no, but also argued that those who partook in the Ultra Kwik 95 maybe weren’t beer drinkers either, and upon sampling an ULTRA, I’d have to agree. You know how American cheese is sometimes labeled as “prepared cheese product” since by some definitions it’s not actual cheese? Well, ULTRA is a
malted barley product.
Anyway, back to the other night. I’m headed home after witnessing the Bucks eclipse 95 points thanks to a Giannis jumper with 4:55 remaining in the third quarter on Wednesday, the 20,009th and 20,010th of his career, his last points of the evening. My 2007 silver Honda Civic was already on E when I’d parked earlier, but the idea to take advantage of this “special” deal popped into my brain about 12 hours before that email from the Bucks hit my inbox.
Before I left, I read over the rules online. I realize that I need to sign up for something called Kwik Rewards in order for this all to happen. Fine. I downloaded the app, entered some details (phone number, birthday, address,
SSID) and then was presented with the option to choose my ***15th Visit Reward***:
Decisions, decisions!
I’m not much for soda and caffeine makes me sick (Karuba is their coffee brand), so the first two are out. A single apple, orange, or pear that’s been sitting out in the plain air of a gas station for a time of indeterminate length? To quote Mike Budenholzer: yeah, no. I don’t even like pears anyway.
A free pound of produce? Do Planters Peanuts count as produce? Does Kwik Trip even have that much produce in one of its stores? The one I ended up at certainly didn’t. I can’t recall any produce even
being there. Why are people buying this much produce at a convenience store that doubtlessly marks up the price?
My eyes are then drawn to “Jr Cheeseburger/Chicken.” Let me be very clear here, there is no amount of money you could pay me to consume gas station fast food with its associated bathroom visits over the following 48–72 hours. In general, I avoid eating things wrapped in paper or foil that have sat under heat lamps for unknown hours/days.
Milk or a pint of OJ is at least more practical, as is a bottle of water when you’re in a pinch. However, nothing about this entire ordeal is practical. Five cents off gas makes sense too, but I’m already here for cheaper gas. I opt for a sweet treat and assume that “glazer” is a typo, since R isn’t far from D on a keyboard, but also consider what wearing a glazed sports coat might feel like.
Another thing: look at the disparity in prizes here. A free coffee or donut all the way up to a whole pound of whatever produce they have in stock! Or some sort of processed meat-product sandwich that could feed both you and a toilet for days. Quite the range.
Alright, I’m like a thousand words in. Let me crack another one of these “beers.”
Back to my saga. We’re now at the point of purchase. I spot a Kwik Trip at an upcoming exit, see $2.99(.9) per gallon on its sign, and pull up at the pump. What do I do now? Time to check the instruction manual, still fresh in my browser history. It explains that I must acquire the booze before gassing up my silver steed. No problem! Let’s go inside. I walk up and notice some posting on the door about a “glazer”—it’s not a typo after all!
No time for that, though, I’m here to purchase the official beer of the Milwaukee Bucks. I enter and see an employee walking around wearing goggles for some reason. The kind you wore in chemistry class. He looks a lot like someone who worked several years ago at a music store I frequented. I’m pretty sure it was him. We sometimes chatted and I think we were on a first name basis, but I can’t remember his name. Maybe it was Dave? No way do I want to have that conversation in this gas station, and I definitely don’t want to make eye contact.
Thankfully, that awkwardness was quickly replaced by splendor, because it was at this moment that the basketball and/or convenience store gods smiled upon me. Reader, mere feet after I passed through the doors, an advertisement about the Bucks and the Ultra Kwik 95 promo rang out from the speakers. I kid you not. That same ad you’ve probably heard on TV or the radio, gracing my ear drums as I stroll towards the beer case in the back. Kismet!
This Kwik Trip was a bit light (no pun intended) on beer selection, but there it was: a 12-pack of Michelob ULTRA, which is apparently officially in all-caps. My eyes longingly pass by varietals of much better beer like New Glarus and Karben4. I spot the ULTRA, open the fridge door and lay my palms upon my reward for a hard day’s work of writing about hoops. I wonder if other Kwik Trips have 18, 24, and 30 packs of ULTRA while being thankful that I don’t need to spend any more money on malted barley product, even one that’s superior.
Next, I sally forth to the counter. The damage? $15.28 with tax. I suppose that’s not too bad for a dozen malted barley products. I ask the cashier about the Bucks promotion and how I’m supposed to now get my 30 cents off per gallon. Perhaps somewhat annoyed, her eyes glazed over as if she’s dealt with people asking such stupid questions before, she explains that she needs to see my Kwik Rewards first. Relieved she knew what I was talking about, I go to the app on my phone, and find the barcode for my account that she says she needs to scan. Easy enough.
Or so I thought. EVERY time I click the tab within the app that has my barcode, my phone’s brightness decreases. I’ve got at least 50% battery, so methinks this is some sort of bug in the app. I try a couple times and her catlike reflexes with the scanner enable her to snag the barcode milliseconds before my screen dims. Great! So how do I get the discount now that I’ve bought such a superior malted barley product? She tells me that when I go back out to my filling station, the discount will show up once I use my credit card. I take her word for it and make my way back to my automobile, 12-pack in hand.
The elixir of the basketball gods
Now, the moment of truth. Before I tap my card, I see an option to enter a Kwik Rewards alt ID. I realize now that this perhaps could have been my phone number, but I also know that beneath my personal barcode there was also a number. And by number, I mean string of 16 (sixteen!) digits beginning with a seven. Perhaps there are over seven hundred quadrillion members of Kwik Rewards. For those of you keeping track at home, that means every human being on planet earth would each own a million Kwik Rewards accounts. I digress...
The pump only lets me enter a certain amount of digits, so I hit cancel knowing my barcode ID is no good here. I then tap my card, remove nozzle from handle as directed, but as I’m pulling it back towards my tank, the dangling hose manages to tap the unleaded 88 button instead of plain unleaded. No, can’t be having that. My baby is classy and I take care of her, but she’s not THAT fancy. In car years, I think she’s 112. I cancel the transaction again.
Third time was the charm and correct buttons were pressed, starting the flow of crude oil to her belly. However, one small problem...
Does not, however, contain 10% discount
It’s still $2.99(.9)! What’s going on? Is this discount going to apply once the count stops and the nozzle clicks, my stallion plump with petroleum?
You bastards!
Nope. Those numbers do NOT add up. I’ve been had, I thought. I’m not sure who to complain to: Kwik Trip or Jimmy Haslem. I should have paid only $2.69(.9) for each gallon that spewed into my vehicle. Their inane promotion is poorly functioning at best, shambolic at worst. This convoluted set of qualifiers to save three measly dollars had an even more arcane series of steps to get the discount. They were ill-explained and not well laid out in the materials sent to me. Yet again, there is no truth in advertising. Kwik Trip: your damn process doesn’t even work!
I won’t let this corporation get the better of me. Not this consumer. Not on this day! Full of resolve, I snatch the receipt and march back into the store. Quickly, I’m dismayed to find out that not only is the cashier I spoke with minutes before no longer behind one of the two registers, but Goggles Dave is, along with a different coworker. I get in line and pray that the register to open up first is the other guy’s. Two people ahead of me, one at each register, buying their lottery tickets or whatever. The customer in front of Goggles Dave leaves... one or two seconds after the customer at the other fella’s leaves. Seconds mean everything in basketball and convenience stores. Thanks be to the gods.
My new cashier Gavin is that other fella, and he was great. He knew about the promotion, and I explain to him my predicament. He doesn’t know for a fact that I bought the beer, and I didn’t ask for a receipt, but he trusts me anyway. I’m not here to swindle a gas station out of some malted barley product, I’m here for my discount.
I show Gavin the gas receipt. “That’s not adding up!” he exclaims, and I know I’ve been saved. He says he can credit it back to me as a promo or something, but needs to get a calculator out to see the discount. I tell him that I can do it on my phone, but he’s already got an old-school Texas Instruments solar-powered jobber out. We both do the math and arrive at the same figures: I should have paid $26.87, not $29.96. Kwik Trip owes me $3.09, and you bet your britches I want my money. He opens the register and pays me the discount in cold, hard cash: three Washingtons plus a dime instead of a nickel and four pennies. What a guy! Gavin, I salute you. I’d put you on our masthead if I could.
So, the discount I’m entitled to is quite literally in my pocket, and I became the owner of a 12-pack of Michelob ULTRA, now down to 10. What am I going to do with the rest of this swill? I can only make so many pots of chili.
Messrs. Washington, Washington, Washington, and Roosevelt
The spoils of my evening. I have not yet scanned that QR code for “superior access”
What did this all amount to? My friends, I’m sorry to report that the answer is: not much. $15.28 on malted barley product plus $26.87 in fuel after what we’ll call a “walk-in rebate” amounts to $42.15. For $12.19 less, I’d have the same gas in my tank and no ULTRA, nor the 190 calories plus 5.2 grams of carbs currently percolating in my gut. More brain cells too. That all sounds
superior, so my advice is to pass on this “deal.”
Dubious financial benefits aside, there’s also scant explanation of how one is supposed to
get said deal. For all the money and time spent on the ad campaign, I’m sure that another paragraph or two in the promo material would have made everything easier. Sure, you can point to a lot of operator error on my part here, and I’ll accept that. But I’m still shaking my fist at the powers that be for it all not actually working the way I was told. I’ve already deleted my Kwik Rewards account and removed the app from my phone—guess I won’t get that glazer after all!
This was anything but Kwik.
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